Advice column: I Want to Spice Up My Sex Life by having a Ring Test

Sex has gone right off the boil since I cleaned my 19-year marriage with a soft brush and examined it after transit. I thought my sex drive was sound and I checked by tapping gently with a non-metallic implement but organic wheels do not give the same sound as my inorganic dance teacher, who I discovered gives plug and cone tests at home. I booked a course and after ultrasonic testing he made a pass at me. He lay me flat on a rigid based material, avoiding uneven surfaces and it was ages before I had the strength to push him away. That night I piled heavy castings and tools with my husband, we used trucks for the larger ones; it was the best it had been for years. I should cancel the other classes but can’t wait to check his spindle speed to see if it exceeds that of mine and I fear I won’t be able to control myself if it does. My husband’s nuts tighten in the opposite rotation two days a week, so surely a fling won’t do any harm especially as his thread is tightened only enough to drive my disk.

Husbands rarely take kindly to other men mounting their wives on makeshift apparatus. To make things more even-handed you might like to arrange some private lessons for your husband with an attractive tapered spindle or buffing machine, to save him being left out in the cold – but I think not. There are no guarantees that he won’t find the hole size is too big or too small. He could become suspicious of your loose or worn bearing and come home early to find a thread extended inside the flange but not in the hole in the wheel. I suspect this man is a romantic grinder who sees you as a perk of the job and once you stop paying you won’t see him for dust or shavings. It is your bearing surface and I am not going to give you permission to burst on your husband. Instead you could spice up your abrasive particles with your husband. I recommend reducing grain size and using adequate lubrication.

-Benjamin F Jones
He could become suspicious of your loose or worn bearing.

Husbands rarely take kindly to other men mounting their wives on makeshift apparatus.


About Graphite Bunny

I am a writer working in South Wales (UK). I love pizza, photography and moist clay. When it rains I catch drops in my open mouth. I create poetry, flash, absurdist snapshots and humorous fiction.
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6 Responses to Advice column: I Want to Spice Up My Sex Life by having a Ring Test

  1. jonth says:

    Wonderful. Made me chuckle in a quite long-winded way and reminded me of a phone call that I made to our electricity company to report a loudly buzzing meter. This was before the days when they read from official elf ‘n’ safety advice sheets and the telephonist, after patiently listening to my complaint, suggested that I might try hitting it with my shoe.

    • Glad you enjoyed it. Do you think hitting with shoes used to work? I have a feeling it did. Modern consumables are built differently. Rattly components and dry joints are a rare occurrence.

  2. Kristi says:

    I really think a tapered spindle is what I need to move things to the next level. It will open up a whole world of polishing mops.

    • We will have no dirty talk on this site! Actually I have another one of these columns about a woman who’s husband wants her to try Fragalino – and she wants to know if there is a machine to do it for her.

  3. OMG Look what happens to a writer when he spends too many hours surrounded by building supplies 😉 This is very witty and clever prose. Thanks for giving me a laugh.

    • Thank you very much. It is definitely what happens when I spend much too much time with abrasive wheels. Do you know we have 6 pages in our catalogue set aside for them! They have feelings you know.

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